Depression? Feelings?

Have you ever thought that " why does feelings even exist? " because lately, i have been questioning myself that.

Every night, i lie down on my bed...pondering while facing the ceiling and question myself countless of times and not finding any answers to my question. 
Somehow, i feel that "I" deserve a better life instead of leading a life like my current one...and thoughts like ; " would it have been better if i am emotionless?" I seriously don't know...

i have always been faking a smile every single day, and each day is becoming so hard for me...i'm really tired of this life...i am like standing at the edge, seeking for my death..

it may sound ridiculous to you but it is not a funny matter to me.
i am so used to faking a smile now.

And..I suppose most teenagers are behaving the same way as me, faking a smile in school everyday.

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The other day, i actually dreamed of my death, i didn't think it was scary nor i was afraid of what was coming.. i felt that it was better than leading a life like this... 
and there was this one day, 
where i was heading back home after school when my extra lessons had ended... that day i wasn't really paying much attention..because i was feeling really depressed, and was lost in my train of thoughts... before i came back to my senses, i realize in front of me there was a motor vehicle passing by...it stopped in front of me..
i was stunted... 
for a moment i thought i was going to die..but i didn't felt a sense of fear...
Thinking back, i guess i wasn't afraid to die, i had this mindset, would i be release from this painful life i am leading right now? If I die. 

But then, 

more thoughts started to enter into my mind...

over thinking starts, feeling with fear and anxiety. 

what would happen to my family members and friends if they knew i was lying in the hospital...would they even bother to care or visit me?...so many questions started popping out.. for what i think, it is highly unlikely anyone would come and visit me except my family.

i was scared.

Maybe my family members wouldn't even care about me either...haha..

I'm feeling really dead and rotten inside..

i feel that no one understands me and every single person who approach me has an motive.

i can trust NO ONE..

It's that feeling and barrier i had placed in my heart.

Yes, i may seems like a really friendly and easy to approach person.

In actual, I probably couldn't trust anyone.

In school, i always smile without fail. No one has actually realise i was faking a smile.

There was a few time, i questioned my trusted friends " do i look like i'm faking a smile currently?"

Do you know what was everyone replied..." No, your smile is the same as usual."

Nobody has realise my fake smile before.

It's so laughable right? faking a smile every single day.

no one realise, i'm afraid to be swallowed in darkness, but i'm afraid to say out my problems.

i guess being sad in others people eyes, doesn't suits my personality at all.

many who tries to get close with me, i tend to push them away.

I am really afraid of getting hurt and letting my heart to be broken into pieces anymore.

There are even days whereby i just don't feel like replying anyone's message and ignore them for weeks or days.

It's painful, knowing i am the one suffering in the end.

it's so scary to suffer the pain alone.

staying silent, having to keep everything to myself

crying every single night, over thinking every single night.

IT KILLS ME INSIDE.

Indeed, i'm lost. I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

" Stay Strong." is such a common word to me.

Tell me what is the meaning? 

words that has no actions doesn't comfort me at all, it just show me more of your fake caring side.

So tell me, how do I even trust others, when they are so fake in front of me? 

Everyone who are close to me are so judgmental, so, are you saying you are not judgmental? 

how can i trust anyone who is near me now?

knowing that i will be back stab and crying in the end of each relationship.

 i am not saying everyone is a hypocrite, but you might be thinking that, my depression is just finding fault with other?

i'm not blaming anyone for being judgmental but,

 what i would like to say is,

put yourself in someone's else shoe before you judge, to the people who judges me before even knowing me or talk behind my back.

" What do you know about me? other than my name and face? "

" What gives you the rights to judge before knowing my story? "

Please think how much a word from your mouth can KILL someone so BADLY.

WORDS DO KILL SOMEONES HEART.

IT'S MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY HURTFUL.

When i say " i am not judgmental." Surely nobody would trust me,

 behind my back, people would probably be saying " She's so fake."

Ever since i am an secondary school student, i had met more back stabber.

and many more FAKE friends in my life.

i was always their SECOND OPTION, and so called otherwise known as their "LEFTOVER FRIEND."

Every single month,

i hear new rumors about me, i even experienced bullying before, but i stayed silent.

i didn't tell anyone. 

i hide my problems with a fake smile.

i'm going through hell every single day.

Fighting against life and thoughts every day and night.

but i don't want to choose to run away from life.

i'm just so hurt.

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 i started to prefer being alone. 

At first it was really miserable, but soon i got used to it.

I hang out with new different friends every time, but all of them are so obviously FAKE.

I also began to fake smile more often, who is the real me?

i didn't bother to search for my real self anymore.

Everyone night i am fighting against my thoughts.

Such thoughts and question, i'm working real hard to get rid of them.

Although, i still can't get rid of them..

Trusting others is a difficult issue for me, 

i am working really hard in trying to trust others.

I've found some REAL people in my life.

i am beginning to change my style of mindset that i no longer have to fake a smile so often anymore.

But still, 

I can't trust someone completely.

I'm afraid. 

My heart has already been broken terribly.

Before I end off, I would like to say thanks to the important people who are in my life..and are backing me up behind my back.

Even though, i don't really voice out my problems..

i know, you guys are there to listen and lend me a shoulder to cry on.

Still, i won't be that dependent on them to let them carry the burden i shoulder..

However, it's true that they are the people who is currently keeping me going and moving on in life, this important friends of mine, who is always supporting me behind my back. 

Thank you. 

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ALL PHOTO CREDITS ; GOOGLE.

*DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE PHOTOS*