Depression? Feelings?

Have you ever thought that " why does feelings even exist? " because lately, i have been questioning myself that.

Every night, i lie down on my bed...pondering while facing the ceiling and question myself countless of times and not finding any answers to my question. 
Somehow, i feel that "I" deserve a better life instead of leading a life like my current one...and thoughts like ; " would it have been better if i am emotionless?" I seriously don't know...

i have always been faking a smile every single day, and each day is becoming so hard for me...i'm really tired of this life...i am like standing at the edge, seeking for my death..

it may sound ridiculous to you but it is not a funny matter to me.
i am so used to faking a smile now.

And..I suppose most teenagers are behaving the same way as me, faking a smile in school everyday.

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The other day, i actually dreamed of my death, i didn't think it was scary nor i was afraid of what was coming.. i felt that it was better than leading a life like this... 
and there was this one day, 
where i was heading back home after school when my extra lessons had ended... that day i wasn't really paying much attention..because i was feeling really depressed, and was lost in my train of thoughts... before i came back to my senses, i realize in front of me there was a motor vehicle passing by...it stopped in front of me..
i was stunted... 
for a moment i thought i was going to die..but i didn't felt a sense of fear...
Thinking back, i guess i wasn't afraid to die, i had this mindset, would i be release from this painful life i am leading right now? If I die. 

But then, 

more thoughts started to enter into my mind...

over thinking starts, feeling with fear and anxiety. 

what would happen to my family members and friends if they knew i was lying in the hospital...would they even bother to care or visit me?...so many questions started popping out.. for what i think, it is highly unlikely anyone would come and visit me except my family.

i was scared.

Maybe my family members wouldn't even care about me either...haha..

I'm feeling really dead and rotten inside..

i feel that no one understands me and every single person who approach me has an motive.

i can trust NO ONE..

It's that feeling and barrier i had placed in my heart.

Yes, i may seems like a really friendly and easy to approach person.

In actual, I probably couldn't trust anyone.

In school, i always smile without fail. No one has actually realise i was faking a smile.

There was a few time, i questioned my trusted friends " do i look like i'm faking a smile currently?"

Do you know what was everyone replied..." No, your smile is the same as usual."

Nobody has realise my fake smile before.

It's so laughable right? faking a smile every single day.

no one realise, i'm afraid to be swallowed in darkness, but i'm afraid to say out my problems.

i guess being sad in others people eyes, doesn't suits my personality at all.

many who tries to get close with me, i tend to push them away.

I am really afraid of getting hurt and letting my heart to be broken into pieces anymore.

There are even days whereby i just don't feel like replying anyone's message and ignore them for weeks or days.

It's painful, knowing i am the one suffering in the end.

it's so scary to suffer the pain alone.

staying silent, having to keep everything to myself

crying every single night, over thinking every single night.

IT KILLS ME INSIDE.

Indeed, i'm lost. I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

" Stay Strong." is such a common word to me.

Tell me what is the meaning? 

words that has no actions doesn't comfort me at all, it just show me more of your fake caring side.

So tell me, how do I even trust others, when they are so fake in front of me? 

Everyone who are close to me are so judgmental, so, are you saying you are not judgmental? 

how can i trust anyone who is near me now?

knowing that i will be back stab and crying in the end of each relationship.

 i am not saying everyone is a hypocrite, but you might be thinking that, my depression is just finding fault with other?

i'm not blaming anyone for being judgmental but,

 what i would like to say is,

put yourself in someone's else shoe before you judge, to the people who judges me before even knowing me or talk behind my back.

" What do you know about me? other than my name and face? "

" What gives you the rights to judge before knowing my story? "

Please think how much a word from your mouth can KILL someone so BADLY.

WORDS DO KILL SOMEONES HEART.

IT'S MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY HURTFUL.

When i say " i am not judgmental." Surely nobody would trust me,

 behind my back, people would probably be saying " She's so fake."

Ever since i am an secondary school student, i had met more back stabber.

and many more FAKE friends in my life.

i was always their SECOND OPTION, and so called otherwise known as their "LEFTOVER FRIEND."

Every single month,

i hear new rumors about me, i even experienced bullying before, but i stayed silent.

i didn't tell anyone. 

i hide my problems with a fake smile.

i'm going through hell every single day.

Fighting against life and thoughts every day and night.

but i don't want to choose to run away from life.

i'm just so hurt.

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 i started to prefer being alone. 

At first it was really miserable, but soon i got used to it.

I hang out with new different friends every time, but all of them are so obviously FAKE.

I also began to fake smile more often, who is the real me?

i didn't bother to search for my real self anymore.

Everyone night i am fighting against my thoughts.

Such thoughts and question, i'm working real hard to get rid of them.

Although, i still can't get rid of them..

Trusting others is a difficult issue for me, 

i am working really hard in trying to trust others.

I've found some REAL people in my life.

i am beginning to change my style of mindset that i no longer have to fake a smile so often anymore.

But still, 

I can't trust someone completely.

I'm afraid. 

My heart has already been broken terribly.

Before I end off, I would like to say thanks to the important people who are in my life..and are backing me up behind my back.

Even though, i don't really voice out my problems..

i know, you guys are there to listen and lend me a shoulder to cry on.

Still, i won't be that dependent on them to let them carry the burden i shoulder..

However, it's true that they are the people who is currently keeping me going and moving on in life, this important friends of mine, who is always supporting me behind my back. 

Thank you. 

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ALL PHOTO CREDITS ; GOOGLE.

*DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE PHOTOS*

Enjoy Life || Lunch || Tuition.

Goodnight lovelies HAHA.

Sorry for the late update today! To sum up my day today, it was average..i guess? 

well, i actually had my first tuition after like 6years? 

i was incredibly nervous, i didn't know how should i behave or do during tuition..but at the same moment, i was also really excited and looking forward to it.

Thinking back now, i think it was quite a great day for me hehe? my tuition cher was very friendly and nice, and i am truly grateful to have such a opportunity to get a tutor.

Ever since young, i've been studying and learning everything by myself, i was train to be independent and nothing else. 

It was actually quite hard for me, but soon i had gotten used to doing things all by myself as

I had to rely on myself, and there was no one beside me to help me out when i needed someone to rely on, so i studied really hard till now..

until this year.. when i had suddenly lost the motivation to study.

 i suppose for "most" Singaporean students, everyone dislike tuition very much as i'm always hearing complains from my friends that tuition is so boring and all,

When hearing these complain, i thought to myself, i wouldn't have such thoughts if i have tuition.

The reason is i guess i have actually been envy of people who have tuition and yet they don't appreciate how much money their parents have spend on them.

i know it sound so stupid to you guys, who might be thinking that it's stupid to be " envy of others who have tuition."

i don't live in a rich family, 

i have to work hard for the things i want.

Getting a tuition is like a present for me, not because i love studying or anything.

It's cause,

 it's the way my mum can express her love for me, by spending more effort in working to earn more money to pay for my tuition fees.

I couldn't be more thankful and bless, although i only have tuition once a week which is only 2 hours long.

What i'm more thankful is, my tutor who is a university student is so nice as to give me tuition at half-price.

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Well..

The main reason why i have a tutor now was my mum felt a sense of guilt when she saw me crying the other time..

i suppose she didn't knew i was crying all the time when stressing about this shitty subject..i also felt a sense of guilt when i saw my mum was in a mist of tears after seeing how stressful i was..

Originally, i wanted to take art as my subject, however my whole family was against it...

Everyone insisted that "Art has no future, and it is useless." each time i heard these hurtful words, i felt depress and heart breaking, not getting any support in the things i do.

My subjects was chosen by my parents.

My secondary school as well, i was forced and i let them choose.

so..i seriously don't know what i am doing with life? when i don't even get to choose what i want.

There is this one question, i am being questioned every single time, " Geolin why didn't you took art? you have such talent. "

i didn't know what to reply..i had no words to say..

In my heart, 

i was always..always thinking..why couldn't i choose my own subject?

but..

what can i do? i can't go against my parents, as for me, i thought 

" as long as my family members are happy, i'm fine." however, i realised one thing,

" Their happiness, doesn't truly make me happy about my own life. "

I don't blame my mum for the choices she had chose for me, as i know she is worrying about my future. 

This particular subject which made me really stressful and even lost the will to study.

Even let me had the thoughts of wanting to tear my book and papers or even burn them..

I wanted to RunAway from reality.

i cried almost every time when i was alone doing that subject..i didn't understand a single shit, well even if i did, i couldn't even do well for it.

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My #OOTD ;-)

My pretty steady.

we were at the Japanese restaurant #MOF located at AMK HUB.

It was my first time being there hehe, i had a enjoyable time and meal there.

omg, see, my best friend is so beautiful, sighh..

i cannot..*.*

*point* 

Usagi .

(( meaning rabbit in japanese. ))

*pow*

COOL POSE YO !

THE BRIGHTNESS OMG, SO SORRY FOR THE BLURRY PHOTO HAHA. #yolo

I thought that uploading these 6 photos was troublesome, as usual, i made them into a college.

Just their layout for the utensil.

Introducing to you the yummy frappe !

The drink we are drinking is called the ; Chocolate & Banana Frappe.

the price of this drink is $7.50.

I wouldn't say the price itself is reasonable, but if you are sharing with two person, it is affordable and the price won't be too expensive either.

i would strongly recommend you guys to try out this drink, 

it has a sweet taste of chocolate being combined together with banana, it taste very refreshing together with the whipped cream.

 i think it is like a energy drink? this drink is actually very fully after you drink it, so i would suggest that you share it together with your friends.

#selfie #drinking #frappe.

OMG, i know, it looks like ORANGE RIGHT HAHA.

NO ! you're wrong! 

This is " Japanese Mochi, An Bun."

i wouldn't suggest you to eat this alone either.

The mochi bun is cover with red bean inside and a bit of banana thingy? it does taste nice however after quite sometime, you will realise it is very sweet, i guess this would go well with green tea? since the combination of green tea forever goes well with red bean food.

me showing off my mochi haha

I HAD TO ORDER THIS.

because it was written recommend inside the menu and not forgetting it is STRAWBERRY (( MUHEHE.))

and it is only $5 YES! IT IS THIS CHEAP !

it look nice and taste truly yummy too hehe.

(( except for the strawberry )) oops haha.

would return for more of this yummy ice cream in the future haha.

So fine sighh;* i guess i do take some good photos HAHA.

i would like to thank my steady for accompanying me through the day today with me to my tuition because i felt afraid and etc.

i can't describe how thankful and grateful to her.

Thank you for today and cheering me up as well, i couldn't imagine my life would be, if she hadn't enter my life as my best friend.

no matter how many time i say this, i'm sincerely thankful to god for letting us being best friend.

(( anyway my tutor was actually surprise when i told that "she is my best friend ever since primary school." haha

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#Throwback post of last week.

So last week, in the morning i met up with my steady for lunch at Mac'Donald.

I had the MacFlurry Ice-cream while my bff had the Fish burger meal set.

I wasn't that hungry on that particular day as i had breakfast earlier in the morning hehe.

Afterwards, we headed down to our usual hang out place which is at somerset.

we went to lucky plaza for the very first time, it wasn't a great experience there, i didn't had a good time being there as i didn't felt comfortable with the air over there, i went out of the shopping mall after an hour as i was feeling dizzy.

Due to my dizziness which i was feeling, we walked back to scape and rest at our favorite dessert shop, TeaTozz.

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I ordered this Passion Fruit Green Tea. 

this particular drink taste kinda weird for me, as i normally go with red tea, it was my first time trying out passion fruit with green tea though..

As for you guys i am unsure about the taste, if i should suggest this drink...hmm, idk haha, lets just move on.

oh, for teatozz if you pay a few cents more, you actually can get to choose whatever toppings you want and you can put as much as you want, but please only take the amount you can finish haha.

My steady ordered this, manga something i don't remember? 

I KNOW, IT LOOKS DISGUSTING.

I AGREE.

This is called the idk what pearl? i think they call it the magic pearl or something.

I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL OMG.

IT DOESN'T TASTE NICE EWWW...

I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE PEARLS NO MORE !

oh! but the ice itself taste very nice though hehe.

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#SELFIE HEHE. #B&W

Lastly, to end off my blog post for today, thank you for surprising me with a handmade rubber friendship band haha, love it a lot cause it is in BLUEE ~ HEHE.